Graduation Gauntlet

Finishing University is scary time for any graduate. Those who toss their mortar board hats into the air as mother ball's her eye's out, are faced with a number of dilemmas.

Who's going to pay my rent now the loan's have ended? When am I going to see all my student pals again?

From my experience as a student the first shock will be waking up at a hour consisting of one digit. The only reason 'scroungers', as my 9-5 friends label students, would have got up any earlier than 10am in the past three years would have been to watch the demi-god of all undergraduates: Jeremy Kyle.

Armed with a saucepan-sized receptacle of heavily sugared tea, students are gripped by the going's on of urban England. How they ridicule Kyle's guests: unemployed, tax evading so-and-so's dependent on government handouts to fund their vices. Just who do they think they are...

A Jezza detox, however, isn't the most daunting prospect facing alumni. It's not he who is causing students to awake late at night (or early morning) in cold, vodka-infused sweats. It's the very real possibility that these people may need to get jobs. That's right, coupled with a no-longer-valid Top Shop discount, students are expected to earn a living through graft, not grants.

But fear not because I am here to help my fellow peers on the road to forty-five years of employment.

Firstly, you need to pick a job. No more lecturers telling you when and where things need to be done, graduates need to search like everybody else. Assuming that they've got that far and not repeated the hallowed "I'll do it tomorrow" mantra, I'm willing to divulge some of my own tips from past experiences on the next stage of the process: the interview.

Below is a conveniently sized printable guide on how to nail the interview for that perfect job...

• DO arrive early - if an employer was looking for lateness they'd hire a menstruation cycle. Arrive promptly and you'll look interested in the position. This leads me to the next point...

• DO NOT use public transport - not only will you be late you will smell like peas and be left severely traumatised because you sat next to a woman with a beard longer than Jesus'

• DO dress appropriately - but think about it. Why dress in Saville Row threads if your applying for a role at Godfather Fish and Chips (they batter anything)? Also, do not dress smarter than your interviewer. This may require prior surveillance (and if so DO NOT get caught) but it's worth not outsmarting the boss.

• DO ask questions - sensible ones that make you sound interested in the job. I like to use the old "where does the company see itself in 5 years?", but as a graduate you probably wont care as you'll probably be looking for a temporary job to fund your travelling trip. Ask it anyway.

• DO NOT go out on a Girls Aloud-esque bender the night before - you will be as off your game as they are off key.

• DO NOT work with children or animals - they are unpredictable and loud. A bit like a gun.

Although not exhaustive, these tips are tested and ones that I pass onto any graduate willing to enter the big wide-world after years of late night debauchery. Failing this, hit snooze, roll over and enroll on a masters degree.